Moving forward using all my breath

Making love to you was never second best

I saw the world thrashing all around your face

Never really knowing it was always mesh and lace

I’ll stop the world and melt with you

You’ve seen the difference and

It’s getting better all the time

There’s nothing you and I won’t do

I’ll stop the world and melt with you

(Modern English)

Touch is the essence of bonding between lovers. The deepest and most profoundly erotic moments might be the ones we may not realize as such. It might be the way our skin feels against each other’s during sleep, or a kiss along the back of the neck. Their finger hooked into the crook of yours during a walk together. The scent of their skin remaining on the neck of a shirt. It might be more erotic to discover how much your mate loves his or her feet rubbed during a loving foot massage, when you can allow them to fully let go without expectations. Kissing and licking their toes can be highly erotic in such cases, and chances are good that kissing the arch of their foot expands the horizon on foreplay.

Bonding and intimacy are enhanced by caressing, touching and being together. Touch itself  doesn’t need to involve anything more than just the touch of skin together. Eroticism can be found in the familiarity of our lover’s scent, the tone of their voice or their heartbeat to our chest. Eroticism is discovered when we are being present. Being aware of our senses allows us to open to any state of pleasure. Stopping the world to melt together is pure joy. The pleasure of the discovery of each other can be unlimited.

I’ve been reading a few articles on pair bonding— neurobiology has it that we bond through affectionate gestures like any other pair bonding sort of mammals. Caressing, grooming, cooing, sighing, and eye contact keep us together but not the act of sex itself. So in other words, penetration isn’t the main course of sex and bonding, but touch is. Oxytocin, the “love” hormone, is part of this magical state of being.

When oxytocin is released in our brains and bodies, we feel like we are softly melting. We are high on oxytocin. Oxytocin makes us feel contentment, reduces anxiety and increases good feelings around our mate. Studies have shown that oxytocin levels increase after orgasm and are part of sexual arousal. This does not surprise me at all. Each time I was pregnant and ready for birth, nipple stimulation during active childbirth helped the delivery along. Nipple stimulation produces more oxytocin, which is necessary for increasing uterine contractions. Sex is enhanced by oxytocin and so is childbirth. And so is love.

Oxytocin helps us orgasm too.

Brain chemistry alone isn’t enough. We have that mysterious aspect of us that we call the soul. Our souls must feel safe, secure, cared for and, in the words of Thomas Moore from his book The Soul of Sex, “Like everything human, sensation cannot be separated from the imagination.” Our lover’s body, face, scent and touch inspire us to let go and we succumb to the pleasure of love and loving, of being loved and giving love.

Our minds are also  full of all that buzzing and bubbling chemistry and electric neurological magic. Erotic love is a shape-shifter. It comes alive in the imagination. We can imagine anything we want to during sex, about sex. Erotic fantasies are the playground for our deepest desires and lightest whims. If we want to imagine an orgy in which we are the central focus, perhaps that fantasy satisfies something in us that we need or attentions that we require. But fantasy doesn’t have to mean something psychologically deep either. It can just be a fascination with orgies and a curiosity that we wouldn’t play out in our reality. It can stay in fantasy. The fluidity of erotic fantasy is like dreaming.

Being present with our lover enhances our bond with them. There have been a few times that the idea of only kissing together was discussed with my lover. We tried it a few times. Just caressing and kissing — even in the car. Well, I have to admit, we gave in to having sex in the car. But, it worked. Kissing was powerful foreplay for us.

Kissing is actually highest on the charts for both men and women as the main thing that turns them on the most and brings them together. Men, according to Your Tango Tokii survey, put kissing at the top of the list for foreplay, and 57% of men say “yes” to kissing. So, pucker up and smooch away. Men love it more than you think. They love it even more than women do, supposedly.

 “The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty ‘yes’ to your adventure.” 
~ Joseph Campbell

Sex and love. It’s an adventure. Be present. When we are solely focused upon reaching orgasm we can lose sight of being present. We seek that climb toward ecstasy rather than simply losing ourselves in our lover’s eyes and dissolving into the other. We are preoccupied with orgasm as the goal— for some men trying to hold back from orgasm is the distraction. For some women, trying to have an orgasm is the elusive goal. And when we are yearning too strongly for that marvelous feeling, it becomes the antithesis of letting go. We can try too hard or focus too much on that one moment. Thus, we aren’t being present. We strive for that feeling that will lead us to a better sensation, and then even better: orgasm. If it happens effortlessly, then the beauty of sex is breathing through us naturally. The flow of erotic touch inspires us. There are many women who cannot achieve orgasm at all. Psychological blocks, physical problems, and difficulty staying erect and/or achieving orgasm due to age, along with hormone changes, can all affect a man’s ability to orgasm. Anorgasmic men exist as well.

There are some men that fear that they won’t remain as virile or as hard, and if they can’t then women (their wife, their girlfriend), may not be satisfied. A myriad of worries can run through their minds. What if I can’t stay hard? And, what if? Then what? Will she want another man? What if I can’t please her? Well, women are very forgiving, generally. There are other ways to stay connected and give pleasure. Kissing, touching, oral pleasure (for both— even if he can’t stay hard or orgasm— go for it anyway), caressing and fingers work wonders. Giving each other a massage, pillow talk, and laughter can be satisfying ways to bond and stay bonded.  Believe me, just kissing while naked in bed is really fun. And so is watching your lover’s favorite sitcom while snuggled together in the nude. Do it once, and you’ll feel like teenagers in love again.

The psychological and emotional satisfaction levels increase when we are touching each other with affection. The pornographic internet-generated depictions of sex and its one-dimensional façade is junk food compared to the poetry and art of intimacy: the richness of a lover’s kiss, the soulful expression of their eyes, the sigh of their chest when love fills them with emotion, the tight embrace and the feeling that you just cannot get close enough. The meaningful experience of sex can be discovered before and beyond penetration. In fact, penetration, although satisfying in its own right, isn’t really necessary when all the ingredients for soulful sex are present. It becomes superfluous. Yes, that’s right, I said it. Penetration isn’t everything. Don’t read that as if I don’t enjoy it. Oh, I love it. What I’m saying is, penetration is part of, but not the whole of, sex.

Intimacy is delicate; a vulnerable spot in the heart of our erotic selves. We want and crave the closeness. For women (and I say most of this without any scholarly study, just my experiential references), could it be that the weight of their lover upon them echoes an instinctual craving to be taken, to surrender, to be mated with? Male lions grasp the nape of the female’s neck with their teeth while they mount and mate with them. I found this intriguing and it sounded pretty nice too, the whole act. I love my neck bitten, don’t you? The female instinct to surrender is part of the mating dance.

 Then, the Eastern wisdom of tantric sex and all its mystery lifts its veil. The pleasure of receiving expands our awareness, the height of erotic transcendence.

Ancient Chinese Taoists believed ejaculating depleted a man’s vital life energy, or “chi,” so men were taught to preserve their sexual fluid in order to build their vitality.

In Taoist sexual practices, women are encouraged to have frequent and multiple orgasms. This gives the man even more vitality so he can also stay within the woman for as long as possible in order to absorb the woman’s vital life juices and powerful energy, or “yin essence” (“yin essence” is also a euphemism for “sexual fluid”). Well, it makes me want to be a Taoist.

When I am making love with my man I often, and sometimes with mixed emotion, wish that he would just suddenly come inside of me. (Remember, I’m the one that said “penetration isn’t everything?”) I want him to come because I love him so much; it’s instinctual and in that moment I want him to make me pregnant. I want it down to my bones. Love is made of such dreams. I want to melt with him.

So, yes, I’ve been dreaming about it as well. One dream made me smile during sleep. He was awake and watching my face. He asked what I was dreaming of. In the dream, it was so vivid: I was in a hospital recovery room and I had just given birth. Next to me, my lover’s mother cradling our newborn child. She, his mother and the new grandma, hummed a song and rocked the baby softly. The warmth of the dream, the sweet feeling it gave me inside, radiated through my face while I slept. As my darling caressed my face and asked softly what I was dreaming I just smiled a sweet, happy smile. It was a soul deep happiness and a feeling of wholeness in my relationship. I felt belonging. I felt like everything was right.

Not just for my own pleasure do I want to melt and belong to him, but I want to satisfy his desire, his instinct. We make sex complex when sometimes the instincts are just so true to our human nature. I long to feel his slick come inside of me, hot and milky, smelling like springtime and freshly cut grass. That beautiful tenderness overwhelms me when he gives me so much pleasure. I want to feel him fill me with the pulse of his orgasm, the flood of his ejaculation and that dripping tickle when it runs out from me. When I stand up I want to feel his come trickle down my thigh. Sometimes what brings me to orgasm is the notion that he is going to make me pregnant. When he gazes at me when we are making love, I wonder where he is taking me or how far into me his eyes are going. What does he see in me when he gives me one orgasm after another? It’s an adventure, this tantric kind of sex. In a way, we have transcended to another level of sexual pleasure together.

One day we spent the entire day making love. This sounds exaggerated, but really, the entire day just making love. Parts of “making love” involved him making an omelette for me, some tea for us to share, but still we had sex numerous times and the resting moments in between were still “making love” as far as I’m concerned. Because my body was so attuned to his and I had multiple orgasms each round of lovemaking, the last time we made love I came so intensely I felt an energetic flood of orgasm begin in my sex, radiate through my body going upwards through my belly, through my breasts, nipples, and up further out the top of my head, simultaneously—- I felt this orgasm move through my hips, my legs and down through my toes. I was tingling and shaking. That, my dear readers, was a veritable “full body orgasm” without question. That is what tantric sex is all about. Gosh, everyone should experience that in life. I was so high from that orgasm, I felt it tingle through me for hours. Hours. I was giddy, giggly and completely goofy.

“Love is touching souls.” ~ Joni Mitchell

I already have children and I am a mother; happy with my three children, not wanting anymore. Besides, I’m not young anymore or young enough to handle more pregnancies. I know the dream of becoming pregnant again is just a dream. But something else penetrates me when we make love. I become one with him. It sounds corny, but I feel like we are together when we are apart. I believe in soul mates, and I believe we are part of each other when we love deeply.

There are two books I am reading right now, and both are of the Chinese Taoist approach to sexual energy and vitality. After a blissful acupuncture session yesterday with Dr. Maoshing Ni, known as Dr. Mao, I am revitalizing my yin essence. Dr. Mao is known on Sex and the City as “Dr. Wow.”  He is a thirty-eighth generation doctor of Traditional Chinese Medicine. I am reading his book, Second Spring, which contains a wealth of knowledge of natural secrets for women reaching their midlife transition. Regeneration and revitalization of a woman’s life force allows her to blossom into her potential. The Chinese call a woman’s midlife transition (perimenopause and beyond) her Second Spring. Dr. Mao explains:

A woman’s Second Spring is the renaissance of youthful vitality and sexual vigor she enjoys when she takes advantage of the secrets and natural powers of Chinese medicine. When the body begins to undergo the changes that take her through perimenopause, menopause, and beyond, in the Chinese perspective, this is a time for celebration in a woman’s life, when she is possessed of wisdom and graceful beauty. This positive outlook on aging stands in stark contrast to the Western stigma against growing old. Second Spring describes an important opportunity for self-discovery and renewal in women’s lives.”

Since I am now beginning my own Second Spring, I am inspired by the Chinese approach to women’s rejuvenation. The treatment I received yesterday begins my series of acupuncture with Dr. Mao, to revitalize my jing. “Jing” is our life essence. In Taoist philosophy, three aspects of our whole being are shen, qi, and jing. Qi or Chi, is our energy. Shen is our spirit. Jing is the juice, the mojo, the juicy life force that has to do with our sexual energy, reproductive, and also our life passion. I’ve been wearing a lipstick called “Jing-a-ling” lately. How serendipitous. Maybe my mojo is having a little jing-a-ling Second Spring?

Sexuality has everything to do with our energy and all that makes us. To bring awareness to our sexual passion can infuse a whole new perspective on life. To rejuvenate our love of life. The concept of food as medicine also enters the picture when revitalizing one’s sexual energy. Aphrodisiacs for our life’s passion, not just sexual potions or libidinal elixirs, are part of the path of rejuvenation. An active sex life is very important for our health and well being.

A few excerpts from SECOND SPRING:

• HEALTHY LOVING LENGTHENS YOUR LIFE SPAN

The second book I am reading is called The Multi-Orgasmic Woman by Rachel Carlton Abrams, MD, MHS

From the Introduction, Power of Pleasure:

A woman’s pleasure is as powerful and intoxicating as any force on earth. You may not yet feel it, but within you is a wellspring of vitality that can transform your sexual pleasure and illuminate your life. We often think of sex as separate from the rest of our lives, but nothing could be further from the truth. Our sexual life mirrors our general health, our relationships, and our emotional well-being at the deepest level. It is certainly true that who we are and what we have experienced affects our sexuality, but it is also true that making changes in our sexual lives can transform the other parts of our lives, including our relationships.

Taoism, an ancient Chinese system of healing and spirituality, has always understood the fact that sexuality is an integral part of our health and wellness. The ancient Taoist physicians would ask about desire and sexual activity as a routine part of assessing one’s health. They might even prescribe lovemaking at certain times of day or in certain positions to treat illnesses. In this book, Mantak Chia and I will combine this Taoist knowledge with insights from modern medicine to offer an effective program that will kindle your desire and magnify your sexual pleasure.

About the Authors:

RACHEL CARLTON ABRAMS, MD, MHS
Rachel Carlton Abrams, MD, MHS, received her Medical Degree at the University of California-San Francisco and a Master’s Degree in Holistic Health and Medical Sciences from the University of California-Berkeley. She is Board Certified in Family Medicine and is a Fellow of the American Academy of Family Practice. She is also Board Certified in Holistic Medicine and a member of the American Holistic Medical Association. Dr. Abrams co-founded and is the medical director of Santa Cruz Integrative Medicine & Chi Center in Santa Cruz, California (www.santacruzintegrativemedicine.net), a multi-disciplinary clinic which offers a dynamic and effective approach to healthcare by fusing the profound wisdom and ancient practices of the East with the cutting edge medical advances of the West. The Chi Center offers regular workshops and ongoing classes in the movement arts to complement the healing and energizing effects of its integrative practitioners.

Dr. Abrams has been a student and teacher of Taoist sexuality, with Taoist master Mantak Chia, since 1994. She and her husband have published three books on Taoist sexuality, the best-selling The Multi-Orgamsic Man, The Multi-Orgasmic Couple, and now the much anticipated The Multi-Orgasmic Woman. She teaches workshops regularly at the Chi Center (www.santacruzchicenter.com) and at Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California (www.esalen.org) as well as teaching and lecturing throughout the country. Rachel loves the ocean and the redwoods and spends as much time as possible in each. She enjoys cycling, gardening, traveling and cooking. Most importantly, she is happily married to her husband and co-conspirator, Doug, and the mother of three fabulous children, all residing in Santa Cruz, California.

MANTAK CHIA
Mantak Chia is the world’s best-known teacher of the Taoist arts, from Tai Chi to Taoist sexuality. He is the co-author of the bestsellers The Multi-Orgasmic Man and The Multi-Orgasmic Couple as well as the twenty other books, including the self-published classics Taoist Secrets of Love and Healing Love Through the Tao. He lives in Thailand and teaches in throughout the world. You can order other books by Mantak Chia or view his workshop schedule through his website www.universal-tao.com.

With Chinese medicine and Taoist philosophy, a woman can become a goddess of sexual vitality. Couples can benefit from the wealth of knowledge out there to help them stay loving and enhance their sexual relationship.

To enhance my sexual rejuvenation, I cannot wait to watch the erotic film SEX & ZEN…

3-D SEX & ZEN is a HONG KONG made erotic 3-D film that was released this past April 2011. As mentioned by The Huffington Post: ”Sex and Zen” is a remake of a 1991 Hong Kong movie by the same name – features full nudity and camouflaged lovemaking scenes but does not show actual sexual intercourse, as is common in pornographic films. The movie, which stars Japanese porn stars Hara Saori and Suo Yukiko and Hong Kong actress Vonnie Liu, tells the story of a sexually frustrated scholar in ancient China who loses himself in the harem of a duke he befriends.

[Click the Sex & Zen Poster above to watch the You Tube trailer]

The Zini Deux from Babeland Toys

It arrived in a beautiful box: the Zini Deux. Like a Fabergé egg turned cyber sex toy, the two halves of the “yin/yang” are meant for each other. Magnetized halves creating an ‘egg’— when they pull apart the two vibrators, one convex vibe is shaped for the woman’s clitoral stimulation and one concave for cupping the man’s balls. But, of course, it need not be only for male/female couples, it could easily suit male/male and female/female sexual play as well. The two shapes have uses only discovered by adventurous handling.

I charged each half, and presented the sleek plum-colored vibrating egg to share with my lover. We turned the first one on, and it hummed. It has different settings, by holding the two smooth buttons together. It took us some time to figure out how they function, despite the enclosed directions. Well, I don’t like following directions. I like to learn by exploration. These two vibrators are meant for that.

We turned on the concave vibe by pressing both sides of the buttons. It made a sound reminiscent of remote control race cars ready for the electric track. My man turned on the other vibe, fitting it gently upon my clitoral mound. It hummed, buzzed, and tickled. He put his on, cupping it under his balls, and put the variable vibrate mode on. We both started laughing. It sounded like an alarm clock muffled underneath a pillow. He made a funny face. The pleasure I was getting from the convex “yang” shape felt nice, but I was crying with laughter. He was making all kinds of distracting faces at me, as the “alarm” buzz on his “yin” shape was going on and on in a staccato manner. We tried to be serious, but it was amusing.

We were laughing with great belly laughs, and vibrating each other with our sleek cyber vibes. We laughed so much, it was difficult to feign a sensual mood. He wanted to keep going. I wanted to stop. My nose was dripping, my eyes were tearing, and I could not get into a sexy mood. I was feeling too silly. I couldn’t even talk, as I was gasping for breath from laughing so hard. I turned mine off, but he kept going. He liked the vibration on his balls.

I wiped my eyes, and went to get a tissue for my nose. I heard the soft vibration from his vibe as I went into the bathroom. I came back in, and he was really into it. So I went down on him, sucking him slowly, massaging the vibe lightly on his balls. This was actually arousing to do. How many times have I used a vibrator with a lover, when the vibe was all about my pleasure? Or it was cock-shaped, and my guy was shy about putting to his balls? Or, in some cases, men do like to use a vibrator for that “male g-spot” stimulation, however… you must use something that won’t, um… slip out of your hands. There are toys for this particular use.

He was getting very hard, and loved the gentle vibration while I sucked and pleasured him. Laughing like we did, it was also good foreplay, and something that made us feel very close. It got sexier.

This is a superb sex toy for couples. Its possibilities are many; the two shapes lead to many uses, and its potential for bringing two people together is certain— whether laughing to the point of crying with silliness, or sensual exploration where one discovers something new about their partner, it is bound to be a multi-purpose joy toy for both lovers.

The Taoist Sex Toy: Zini Deux. Laughing together is sexy.

Coming together is sexier.