setting fire to my smokin’ hot mojo
setting fire to my smokin’ hot mojo
“I’m a fountain of blood. In the shape of a girl.”
~ Björk
I’m counting down to orgasmic ignition now that I’m on bio-identical estrogen cream and a testosterone cream to blast off my libido. Not that my libido needed anything. But like a pleasure glutton, I said “Sure, why not?” when my doctor asked me if I’d like some testosterone to boost my, um, libido. It’s like asking me if I’d like more chocolate cake, or another helping of garlic mashed potatoes.
All it requires (to get my groove back) is smearing on estrogen cream to my inner arms every morning: two dabs to the inner wrist, circling my wrists around and against each other, rubbing it in, imagining it absorbing into my bloodstream. I am visualizing my feminine body circa 1970′s model to be back to what it was before the symptoms started: as plentiful with estrogen as the plump lips of my thirteen year old self during puberty— glistening with strawberry lip gloss, ready to be kissed. The symptoms? Oh. Well, it began with night sweats and a sudden intolerance for red wine— Chianti to be more precise. It was my one pleasure, my one comfort, a glass or two of red wine. Instead of the usual soft and fuzzy feelings from a big goblet of vino, I got heart palpitations and insomnia. Wine tastings out the window, I was dismayed by this “Second Spring” as the Chinese call it so poetically. What about “Second Orgasm” or “Second Glass of Wine” or something?
I’m going crazy. I’m standing here solidly on my own two hands and going crazy. ~Tracy Lord (Katharine Hepburn), The Philadelphia Story (1940)
It can’t be happening. I’m too young. Aren’t I? But, maybe it was the birth control pills? I began them at age fourteen. I was happy to have sex and not get pregnant. I wanted to have sex with as many guys as I wanted back then. To be filled with their come and not worry about a thing. I didn’t worry. I was young and on the pill, so why worry about anything except remembering to take my pills? Had I known how it would affect my body later? Perhaps the years of taking the pill affected my hormone levels and who knows if it has anything to do with beginning menopause so early. But I feel like I’m not myself. It’s not me. It’s someone else. I feel like I am going crazy. I want my estrogen back. I hear it on the loudspeaker at the grocery store: “Ms. Butterfly, your estrogen is waiting for you at register 9, please come to the information desk.”
And what about my groove? My mojo? My oh lala? Where did that go? Do you think Joseph Campbell knows where I can find it? Is it in my closet, or in the messy sock drawer? I just can’t find it anywhere. It must be with my pearl rabbit vibrator. I just know it.
“When smelled, an estrogen-like compound triggers blood flow to the hypothalamus in men’s brains but not women’s.” (Ivanka Savic of the Karolinska Institute, Stockholm)
So when I am low in estrogen and feeling less than my usual juicy self, my peri-menopausal mind is confused. I want sex, I want sex, and I-want-sex. But my body is off playing golf with the boys. She isn’t undulating with estrus anymore. She isn’t the Aphrodite she once was. No, in my case, I am wondering where the sexy vixen (a.k.a. my former body) went. Why did I feel like my body and my sexuality were two different and separate things? My mind was contemplating filing a ten-year restraining order against menopause. Do you think a G-Spot vibe would alleviate the symptoms? Hot flashes. Every other minute. During sex. I’m burning up, burning up for your love. Madonna, how did you know? I’m a woman in heat, that’s for sure.
It was supreme… the chicks will cream… for grease lightning… We’ll pound ‘em in the dashboard and duel muffler twins, oh yeah, with new pistons, plugs, and shocks I can get off my rocks, you know that I ain’t bragging, she’s a real pussy wagon, Greased Lightning. ~ Danny Zuko, Grease
Testosterone cream, when applied to the labia, has caused some pretty magical wonders. For one, I wasn’t sure where it came from, but I squirted during masturbation the other day. I hadn’t done that in about ten years. So I tried it out the next day. And it happened again. The G-Spot. Let me tell you folks, I just discovered that I had one. After all these years of looking for it. Female ejaculation is caused by pressure on the G-Spot that releases fluid. More specifically:
“All women have a functional prostate gland, about the size of their thumb, that surrounds their urethra. (Important Note: A medical article published in August 2011 indicates that while all women have “gland-like” structures surrounding their urethra, only 50% may have “a female prostate”. Read more) Just like the male prostate, it produces fluid, beginning at puberty. Within the prostate gland there can be an area of increased sensitivity, more commonly referred to as the G-Spot. The G-Spot is located somewhere along the length of the urethra. When the prostate gland is stimulated, many women experience female ejaculation, and a distinctive type of orgasm, a vaginal orgasm, one that is different from that experienced during clitoral stimulation alone. Some women cum, as in ejaculate, during sexual arousal, prior to orgasm, even without G-Spot stimulation. There is muscle tissue that surrounds the prostate gland that contracts during orgasm, potentially expelling its contents. There is some debate about the origin of all the fluid that is released during female ejaculation, as the prostate gland itself is relatively small, yet some women release up to two cups of liquid. Nevertheless, the liquid released during female ejaculation is not the same as urine. The best way to stimulate the G-Spot is through rhythmic massage with fingers, a penis, or dildo. It may take practice to locate and connect with the G-Spot, and to learn how to experience vaginal orgasms that are accompanied by female ejaculation. G-Spot and vaginal orgasms aren’t nearly as common as clitoral orgasms, some women always experience them, others never.” (the-clitoris.com)
I have never been a woman of extreme female ejaculation capabilities, barring two exceptions. Once was way back in my early thirties, when I drenched the bed (during sex) with my amrita or nectar of the goddess. I was surprised that it all came from me. It was truly amazing to realize that I had ejaculated so much mysterious fluid. Second time was during masturbation, again, in my thirties. I was using two vibes and double penetrating myself (there is an art to this) when suddenly I was coming so intensely, feeling this warm and wet rush of wetness goosh out of me. My lips were swollen, my body was responsive, and I was wet in between my thighs all the way to my knees. It was, strange to say, similar to when my water broke before giving birth. Warm and rushing like amniotic fluid. Pleasant. Not really like peeing yourself, which would be embarrassing. Mainly, I’ve been a ‘clit girl’ with my orgasms beginning with the slippery pressure to my swollen clitoris, and amplified by penetration. Of course, I can orgasm without penetration, but the combination works well. Anal sex is an additional subwoofer to my orgasmic sound system. Did you know that the most powerful subwoofer (for cars) is called the Jackhammer? And here I thought my minivan disc player was antiquated. But, what is worse is me.
I’m functioning like a tape deck with a raveled tape, and what I need is an upgrade. What I need is a good tune-up, an oil change, and a new sound system; and I’m a fast pussycat all ready for speed. After estrogen, and a little dab of that testosterone cream, I’m slick, I’m greased lightning. Thank you for the hormone fix, doctor!
“Cultivate your curves – they may be dangerous but they won’t be avoided.” ~ Mae West
With the onset of perimenopause, I started getting curvier. Yet a vegan diet and raw foods only made the matters worse. I ate kale and avocado salads, and I worked out two hours a day. Nothing budged. Curves were accentuated. Then. My orgasms weren’t as, well, they weren’t as… they weren’t as orgasmic. It was like eating your favorite dessert but only you have a cold and you can’t taste it as much. You know it’s good, but it’s just hard to taste. Sometimes they would be darn elusive, get so close, and then without warning…kapow! Thankfully, I’d have a good one. But still, it wasn’t the same. Now, I’m a hyper-sexual gal with a libido that matched an entire professional football team (said my ex-husband when we were married). What exactly does that have to do with estrogen?
Menopausal symptoms all conveniently occurred simultaneously with the hottest sex of my life. Fortunately, [the hot sex god that is] my lover is capable of making me have incredible orgasms and knows how to please me in many ways. Including kissing. I thought my orgasms were gone with the wind. Then I discovered passion, or it discovered me. However it happened, chemistry. Bang! Fireworks! Hot flashes! Wow-wow!
“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.” ~ Mae West
The night sweats, the hot flashes, the insomnia, the feeling of discontent, edgy thoughts, bursts of aggression. Nearly hitting my ex-husband and telling him I’d like to sock him in the face, for instance. Fiery-tempered, hot-headed. I’m a stranger to myself. What was my problem? 
Other things were changing. And fast. No period for four months. Nothing. No blood. Wanting to come harder and get wetter, but instead I’m not so wet and my orgasms are really good but, occasionally, muffled like before. I worried. I didn’t think it could be anything but hormone fluctuations. Passion and desire certainly helped the situation, and for a good while, distracted me from the issue.
I come frequently, immediately sometimes. Multiple orgasms, yes, yes, yes! Oh, good, I sighed. My orgasms are back in full swing. Maybe that momentary pause was due to a dampening relationship. Was it emotional? Probably. Maybe it was the end of a relationship kind of mystery lull. A new lover has sparked my fire. Orgasms, ho! Yes, the best sex of my life and a real, honest-to-goodness lover that is a good listener with not only his ears, but his hands, his mouth, and his intuition. Amazing sex happens in between the ears. His brain circuitry makes my pussy wetter than any cream, um. Yes, pardon the pun. But he gives me neural and cerebral O’s.
And I was denying it, the onslaught of menopausal verklemption. What happened to my waist? My arms? Why did my six year old daughter tell me I reminded her of Mrs. Doubtfire while I was putting my bra and panties on in the morning? Exact quote: “Mommy, you remind me of Mrs. Doubtfire, but you’re prettier, and you’re a girl.” But I felt like Mrs. Doubtfire. I wasn’t happy about that. No, I’d rather be told I looked like Nigella Lawson with the sashay of Marilyn Monroe and the smoldering appeal of Ava Gardner. How about a dash of Rita Hayworth? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Being forty-one years old, I would have never suspected menopause would interfere with what is supposed to be my “prime” sexual peak. This myth of a woman’s sexual prime being between 35-50 years old isn’t that mythical, especially when I experienced a surge of libido after giving birth to my third child. I thought for sure it would last. I was a believer.
A man’s eroticism is a woman’s sexuality. ~ Karl Krauss
And yet, my sexuality has blossomed in the midst of menopause. I found my G-Spot. I have estrogen and testosterone and everything is groovy. I’ve reached a deeper level of pleasure with my lover. Deeper and wetter and yummier. I’m having amazing sex with someone that turns me on more than the largest electric generator facility in the world turns on over 36,000 incandescent lamps— I explode when he breathes on me, when his fingers ignite my clitoris and even when he nibbles on my neck, ear, lip— I am saturated, swollen, drenched with want. Thank you, Dr. Estrogen, for giving me my groove back. Or maybe I should thank the heavens that I finally found my G-Spot?
I won’t sweep my blossoming sexuality under the rug at forty-one years old. I just won’t. I’m just beginning to have soulful sex and understand my body in ways never before imagined. Like female ejaculation, finding the elusive G-Spot, and discovering that sometimes kissing is just as good as really good sex. Maybe menopause is a blessing, coming out to help me clean house and get ready for satisfying sex. Sorry Micky Jagger, sorry Austin Powers, but I’m getting all of your mojo in a cream and getting some real satisfaction.
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In the floating world where all things change
Love never changes by promising never to change.
(Geisha song)
During Edo-period Japan (1600-1867), the yujo were the highest class of all courtesans. These sex professionals were trained in the bedroom arts from the time they were young: blossoming into womanhood, mastering the erotic arts, flourishing as a prostitute of a high order. Prostitution during that era of Japan was legal, but carefully licensed. One such ‘red lantern district’ was Shimabara, the Pleasure Quarter of Kyoto. Another was Yoshiwara, the Pleasure District of Edo (Tokyo).
The yujo were not geisha. They were the royalty of prostitutes, the refined artisans of erotica and lovemaking. Seduction was their art form from the way they used their harigata (dildo) to how to pleasure a man (shakuhachi しゃくはち or fellatio). Yujo knew about aphrodisiacs and the exotic practice of kissing (seppun). The Yujo women were “love artists.”
This romantic era of Japan was called Ukiyo
(Japanese: 浮世 “Floating World”)
From the Wikipedia resource, this Renaissance period of art and pleasure described the Edo pleasure district as:
“Yoshiwara, the licensed red-light district of Edo (modern Tokyo), which was the site of many brothels, chashitsu tea houses, and kabuki theaters frequented by Japan’s growing middle class.
People involved in mizu shōbai (水商売) (“the water trade”) would include hōkan (comedians), kabuki (popular theatre of the time), dancers, dandies, rakes, tea-shop girls, Kanō (painters of the official school of painting), courtesans who resided in seirō (green houses) and geisha in their okiya houses.
The courtesans would consist of yujo (women of pleasure/prostitutes), kamuro (young female students), shinzō (senior female students), hashi-jōro (lower-ranking courtesans), kōshi-jōro (high-ranking courtesans just below tayū), tayū (high-ranking courtesans), oiran (“castle-topplers,” named that way for how quickly they could part a daimyō (lord) from his money), yarite (older chaperones for an oiran), and the yobidashi who replaced the tayū when they were priced out of the market.
In addition to courtesans, there were also geisha/geiko, maiko (apprentice geishas), otoko geisha (male geishas), danna (patrons of a geisha), and okasan (geisha teahouse managers). The lines between geisha and courtesans were sharply drawn, however – a geisha was never to be sexually involved with a customer, though there were exceptions.
The term “water trade” (mizu-shobai 水商売) is the “floating world” which is metaphor for floating, drinking, and impermanence. Sex was like water. Water was “yin” and feminine, and, conversely, a man’s sexual energy was “yang” energy. Sex during the Edo-period Ukiyo life was imbued with poetry, art, and dream-like desire. Longing and secrets, mystery and lust.
Waiting anxiously for you
Unable to sleep, but falling into a doze—
Are those words of love
Floating to my pillow,
Or is this too a dream…?
My eyes open and here is my tear-drenched sleeve.
Perhaps it was a sudden rain.
(Geisha song)
Geisha were not permitted to have sexual relations with the yujo’s customers. The term “Geisha” means “Artist” and the art of Geisha was entertainment— dance, shamisen playing, and flirtatious conversation. The yujo were the sexual artists, great lovers, and ladies of pleasure. They were elegant enchantresses of the pillow.
Within the shoji screened worlds of tea houses, brothels, and the theater, geisha and yujo were not the only women of pleasure. There were varying levels of class and status within their own floating worlds— the Shiro (white) Geisha that entertained and flirted, the Joro (whore) Geisha were the tawdry types, and the Machi (town) Geisha were former dancing girls (odoriko). Lower class prostitutes and amateur whores were illegally working the towns outside of pleasure districts.
Even further into darkness were the unmentioned girls and women that came into the world of prostitution without a choice. Girls sold into brothels, not the beautiful sort of life that the yujo and geisha led. The Yoshiwara district alone was home to about 1,750 women in the 18th century.
Geisha embody the extreme feminine allure in Japan, as opposed to the wife’s position in Japanese society. Geisha are witty and elicit fantasies; they intrigue and delight. The wife at home may appreciate the geisha’s art of entertaining her husband, relieving her of such matters. The wife ruled the domestic household and her husband’s finances, raised children, while the geisha entertained, flirted, and enchanted.
Shunga-e paintings were the erotica of the Edo-period, and the artists that created shunga-e were sometimes the same as those who made the famous Ukiyo-e woodblock prints— famous artists of Edo were also the creators of erotic prints and pornographic fantasies.
Artists of the Erotic Shunga-e were also great artists in general. Such as Katsushika Hokusai, who created Thirty-six Views of Mount Fuji (富嶽三十六景 Fugaku Sanjūrokkei) and the famous image The Great Wave off Kanagawa (神奈川沖浪裏 Kanagawa Oki Nami Ura).
Hokusai’s erotic art was also made with great talent. Most notably, The Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife
(蛸と海女 Tako to ama, Octopus and shell diver).
Making love with you
Is like drinking sea water.
The more I drink
The thirstier I become,
Until nothing can slake my thirst
But to drink the entire sea.
(Marichiko)
(Hokusai ~ Exhausted Lovers)
Romance and courtship in Heian-period Japan, pre-Edo times set in ancient Kyoto (Heian-kyo), painted the landscape for lovers brushing their hearts out in calligraphy into fervent love letters. Poetry was the vehicle of erotic love, longing, passion and desire. Lovemaking etiquette was such that even the ladies of the court and their noblemen were hot for sex and romance, writing poems to pursue, to enchant, and to express their innermost secrets of their hearts.
An excerpt from Lesley Downer’s book, Women of the Pleasure Quarters: The Secret History of Geisha:
“But what made Heian period most extraordinary was the way in which art and the cult of beauty were bound up with love. For more than sexual desire or gut-wrenching passion, love was an art form, an opportunity to put brush to paper, to immortalize the moment in a small literary gem.
Having heard that a certain lady was very beautiful or, even more titillating, had beautiful handwriting, a nobleman would sit down to compose a waka, a thirty-one syllable poem, and brush it, in his finest calligraphy, on delicately hued scented paper. When she received it, the lady would assess the handwriting and color of the paper as well as the wit and appropriateness of the poem before brushing a reply. The nobleman would be waiting with bated breath to see whether her handwriting and poem lived up to expectations.
If the exchange of poems was satisfactory, he would eventually assay a visit. He would creep in at night and immediately, in the pitch darkness, remove his clothes, lift the silken counterpane, lie down on the hard straw mat next to the lady and without further ado consummate the relationship. Slipping away before dawn, he would then brush an eloquent morning-after poem, bewailing the rising of the sun or the crowing of the cock announcing the hour of farewell. The lady in her turn would brush a reply. Thus through poems they communicated their decision as to whether to continue the affair or not.”
Erecting like
The upwards curve of a
Threatening shakuhachi
The shakuhachi is a flute, and ‘shakuhachi curve’ suggests a strong penis. The phallic symbol of the instrument allowed Edo-minded lovers to playfully muse about fellatio. As provocative as blowing a flute was to the lustful minds of Ukiyo era, the flute was used in many woodblocks prints to suggest the oral pleasure. Other slang terms for sex and sexual innuendos were “jade gate” for a woman’s sex and “jade stalk” and “matsutake” (or mushroom) for a man’s penis, and “selling spring” was to suggest selling sex, as the season “Spring” was utilized in poems and the sex trade as a multi-purpose term for sex.
I hold your head tight
Between my thighs and press
Against your mouth and
Float away forever in
An orchid boat
On the River of Heaven.
(Marichiko)
Geisha were not allowed by their very nature to fall in love. Neither were prostitutes. It was the danger of the heart that neither sort could manage. It would mean disaster for their very existence as temptresses. To pretend to love was one thing. To fall in love was another thing entirely. Flirtation and courting was full of sexual desire— the art of seduction was a play, an illusion. So then, what happens when the geisha or the prostitute falls in love?
Historically in such circumstances the geisha and prostitute were ruined, overcome by passion and desire, the longing too great for them to handle while luring and beguiling other men. Suddenly, the art of seduction she used for others is seemingly powerless, as her heart is unable to bear the games she once so artfully played, with her mind lost in reverie for her lover. She becomes overwhelmed by dreams of running away with her beloved. No longer can she play the seductress to the many men that pay her for her attentions. She is consumed by passion and caught in the great tidal pull of life’s mystery: Love.
Love me. At this moment we
Are the happiest
People in the world.
(Marichiko)
And her art and erotic craft is love. Like the saying “live by the sword, die by the sword,” the prostitute and geisha, artists of seduction and flirtation, are the femme fatales, the unattainable feminine, for which men would do anything for, and therefore the power they wield is turned upon them. Longing. Heartache. Waiting.
Night without end. Loneliness.
The wind has driven a maple leaf
Against the shoji. I wait, as in the
old days,
In our secret place, under the
full moon.
The last bell crickets sing.
I found your old love letters,
Full of poems you never published.
Did it matter?
They were only for me.
(Marichiko)
In this world
love has no color—
yet how deeply
my body
is stained by yours.
(Izumi Shikibu)
There are many stories about geisha and prostitutes falling in love with their customers that are married and cannot change their lives or young and impoverished men that cannot rescue them out of their bondage or position. In such cases, the solution was death. Like Romeo and Juliet, the lovers were doomed to tragedy. Kabuki plays such as Love Suicides at Sonezaki re-enacted the true story of a double suicide in 1703 by the great Japanese dramatist Chikamatsu Monzaemon (1653-1724) known as the “Shakespeare of Japan.” The story was about a beautiful courtesan Ohatsu that falls in love with handsome Tokubei, who is too poor to buy her out of her position as prostitute. He cannot follow through with his arranged marriage to another, due to his love for Ohatsu. His dowry already granted to him for his arranged marriage is then revoked by his uncle. The story continues and sorrow unfolds as the star-crossed lovers cannot be together.
Black hair
Tangled in a thousand strands
Tangled my hair and
Tangled my tangled memories
Of our long nights of lovemaking.
(Yosano Akiko)
But sometimes, when lovers meet, the erotic desire flames their very souls. Even as a customer pays for sex and affections, whether pretended or not, it enters a realm that is human. It can be a source of inspiration. The nature of sex is union, when two lovers are as one. Regardless of money and position, sex is the essence of life and the mystery of our being alive. If sex and flirtation and the realm of erotic are the prostitute’s trade, then the question is — what does the prostitute do when she herself falls in love? How can she continue being a lover to many men, when she only wants to belong to the one man she loves? Like any other, she feels it ravage her very soul— awakening her, making her feel alive, passionate, and creative. The heart has its own reasons and mysteries. But how can she give her body to other men for money (her livelihood) when her instinct is to be devoted to the one she loves?
Your tongue thrums and moves
Into me, and I become
Hollow and blaze with
Whirling light, like the inside
Of a vast expanding pearl.
(Marichiko)
”To fall in love is to play with fire,” Beautiful Eiko laughed. She had a tumbling mane of silky black hair, porcelain skin, and a mouth that tempted. She had many customers that adored her, dazzled her with gifts and exquisite kimonos. Then she met a man who had nothing but himself to give. He listened to her, understood her. For the first time in her life, she felt alive, inspired by love. But their love affair had to be secret. She was locked within the world of the prostitute’s life. This was unbearable for Eiko. When other men touched her, she felt only her lover’s hands. When other men embraced her, she longed for her lover only. When in the arms of her beloved, he became the only man in her world. She only wanted him, to belong to him, as her love was an all consuming passion, the very fire that awakened her soul and lit her aflame with desire.
No different, really—
a summer moth’s
visible burning
and this body,
transformed by love.
(Izumi Shikibu)
{References used for this article: Downer, Lesley, Women of the Pleasure Quarters: The Secret History of the Geisha, and Dalby, Liza, Geisha}
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Orgasms. The magical gift our bodies have to create indescribable pleasure. When we orgasm, our brains are conducting a symphony of pleasure, and the crescendo (or perhaps many crescendos during multiple orgasms) of it all: the orgasm.
Orgasms are very individual in experience, between men and women, and even different again, how each person reaches orgasm. And not one orgasm is exactly the same as another. Orgasms and their varying intensities can also depend on one’s biorhythms during the day, the week, the month. Our bodies respond better when relaxed and feeling secure. If we are feeling relaxed, our pleasure centers are able to bring us to a wider range of orgasmic bliss. Studies and research have all proven that orgasms are good for you. Not only are they good to experience, but orgasms are an integral part of our wellness and vitality.
Here is a link>> to The Kinsey Institute of Sexual Research<<< for information about all kinds of sexual research and data. There is a wealth of information on masturbation, erogenous zones, fantasy, foreplay, oral sex, bisexuality, anal sex, and other sex related topics. Take note: these studies were done between 1948-1953, so that particular data is outdated, but interesting to see how much has changed since. The Kinsey Institute has a Current Research page with plenty of topics to browse. The current research questions are about sexual psychology, neuroscience, biology, gender studies, sociology and other fields that emphasize the complexities of sexual interest, behavior, and sexual health.
Research of human sexual response by the Masters & Johnson research team was initially conducted from 1957 to 1965, which began their series of studies in human sexuality. Their observation of 382 women and 312 men in these initial studies, estimated to be “10,000 complete cycles of sexual response,” made groundbreaking findings and began theories about sex and sexual response that had not been discovered before. (Except for Taoist Sexual Practices, but we will cover that later.)
About Masters & Johnson’s discovery of human sexual response via Wikipedia:
Four stage model of the sexual response
One of the most enduring and important aspects of their work has been the four stage model of sexual response, which they described as the human sexual response cycle. They defined the four stages of this cycle as:
- Excitement phase (initial arousal)
Plateau phase (at full arousal, but not yet at orgasm)
- Orgasm
Resolution phase (after orgasm)
This model shows no difference between Freud‘s purported “vaginal orgasm” and “clitoral orgasm“: the physiologic response was identical, even if the stimulation was in a different place.
(My note: I am in disagreement with Freud’s theories on the female orgasm. This mention is simply due to the quote. Research is also proving Freud’s theories as inaccurate assumptions.)
Masters and Johnson’s findings also revealed that men undergo a refractory period following orgasm during which they are not able to ejaculate again, whereas there is no refractory period in women: this makes women capable of multiple orgasm. They also were the first to describe the phenomenon of the rhythmic contractions of orgasm in both sexes occurring initially in 0.8 second intervals and then gradually slowing in both speed and intensity.
Orgasms can help us let go of stress. They can help us heal. They can prolong our lives. We sleep better and feel better. We want more of them. But, what goes on in our brains when we are enjoying sex? Discovery Health tells us all about it:
Without nerves sending impulses back to the spinal cord and brain, an orgasm wouldn’t be possible. Just like any other area of the body, the genitalia contain different nerves that send information to the brain to tell it about the sensation that’s being experienced. This helps to explain why the sensations are perceived differently depending on where someone is being touched. A clitoral orgasm, for example, differs from a vaginal orgasm because different sets of nerves are involved.
All of the genitalia contain a huge number of nerve endings (the clitoris alone has more than 8,000 of them), which are, in turn, connected to large nerves that run up through the body to the spinal cord. (The exception is the vagus nerve, which bypasses the spinal cord.) They perform many other functions in the body in addition to providing the nerve supply, and therefore feedback to the brain, during sexual stimulation. Here are the nerves and their corresponding genital areas:
hypogastric nerve - transmits from the uterus and the cervix in women and from the prostate in men
pelvic nerve - transmits from the vagina and cervix in women and from the rectum in both sexes
pudendal nerve - transmits from the clitoris in women and from the scrotum and penis in men
vagus nerve - transmits from the cervix, uterus and vagina
The role of the vagus nerve in orgasms is a new discovery and there’s still much that’s unknown about it; until recently, researchers didn’t know that it passed through the pelvic region at all.
Since most of those nerves are associated with the spinal cord, it would stand to reason that a person with a severed spinal cord wouldn’t be able to have an orgasm. And for a very long time, that’s what people with these types of injuries were told. However, recent studies show that people with spinal cord injuries — even parapalegics — can reach orgasm. Dr. Barry Komisaruk and Dr. Beverly Whipple of Rutgers University conducted a study on women with severed spinal cords in 2004. They discovered that these women could feel stimulation of their cervixes and even reach orgasm, although there was no way their brain could be receiving information from the hypogastric or pelvic nerves. How was this possible? An MRI scan of the women’s brains showed that the region corresponding to signals from the vagus nerve was active. Because the vagus bypasses the spinal cord, the women were still able to feel cervical stimulation.
So during sexual stimulation and orgasm, different areas of the brain receive all of this information that lets it know exactly what’s happening — and that what’s happening is very enjoyable. But until recently, we had no way of knowing exactly what was happening in the brain at the exact moment of orgasm.
You may have heard that the brain has a pleasure center that lets us know when something is enjoyable and reinforces the desire for us to perform the same pleasurable action again. This is also called the reward circuit, which includes all kinds of pleasure, from sex to laughter to certain types of drug use. Some of the brain areas impacted by pleasure include:
- amygdala - regulates emotions
- nucleus accumbens - controls the release of dopamine
- ventral tegmental area (VTA) - actually releases the dopamine
- cerebellum - controls muscle function
- pituitary gland - releases beta-endorphins, which decrease pain; oxytocin, which increases feelings of trust; and vasopressin, which increases bonding
So, our brains “light up with pleasure” just as much as our bodies do during an orgasmic release. And it is release. It is all about letting go. This is what Buddhists call “enlightenment”— letting go. It’s not about attaining orgasm but letting go that allows us to be orgasmic.
In our Western society, we say that we are “coming” when we orgasm. But in Japan, they say they are “going.” Literally. “I’m going” is what a Japanese person might say during orgasm, or “iku” the verb which translates as “to go” or “going” and “ikitai?” which means, “do you want to go?”
Comings and goings alike, we love the orgasmic feeling of complete bliss. We are in the euphoric state of deliciousness. It’s so good! Yes! We can growl like an animal, groan and scream, moan and laugh. Let it all go. It’s so good, in fact, that our bodies respond favorably. With a release of endorphins, an orgasm relieves tension and stress, and we feel high. And we are!
Here’s a little factoid I found:
Dr. Gert Holstege stated that the brain during an orgasm looks much like the brain of a person taking heroin. Holstege said in an interview with the London Times, “Letting go of all fear and anxiety, might be the most important thing, even necessary, to have an orgasm.”
From Wikipedia:
Orgasm, and indeed sex as a whole, are physical activities that can require exertion of many major bodily systems. A 1997 study in the British Medical Journal based upon 918 men age 45–59 found that after a ten year follow-up, men who had fewer orgasms were twice as likely to die of any cause as those having two or more orgasms a week. A follow-up in 2001 which focused more specifically on cardiovascular health found that having sex three or more times a week was associated with a 50% reduction in the risk of heart attack or stroke. (Note that as a rule, correlation does not imply causation).
Did you read that? Men who had fewer orgasms were twice as likely to die of any cause as those having two or more orgasms a week. So get your two or more a week, boys. And reduce your risk of heart attack and stroke by having sex three or more times a week. And, what about women?
For women, frequent and plentiful orgasms are important to maintaining excellent health. There are many reasons for women to have orgasmic pleasure in their daily life. Healths benefits galore! It also makes you happier. Oxytocin levels are increased, and that is linked to our life’s passion, our relationships, and our wellness. Sexual vitality and a happier, healthier woman you will be.
Orgasms are necessary for our well being. Here are some reasons why:
There are so many reasons why orgasms are good. We just can’t live without them, can we? When we do, we feel like something is missing. Right?
There are those who have difficulty having an orgasm. Usually the causes are depression, anxiety, medications, psychological traumas, and abuse. To help heal those issues, sexual exploration and tender loving care is necessary.
For relationships that have waned in the sex and intimacy areas, some loving compassion and extra attention should be the focus, and not the issue of sex itself. Sometimes depression, weight gain, hormones, medications, and stress are the sources of why she or he does not want to make love. After childbirth, in particular, a woman feels a natural shift. A new mother’s love and attention drifts away from her partner, focusing solely on her newborn baby. Months might pass before she feels up to enjoying sex, or even masturbating. Sleep is also a factor. A new parent may just be too sleep deprived to want anything else but a nap.
Shere Hite, an American-born German, sex educator and feminist, did sexological work focused on female sexuality.
About Shere Hite from Wikipedia:
Hite has focused on understanding how individuals regard sexual experience and the meaning it holds for them. Hite has criticised Masters and Johnson’s work for uncritically incorporating cultural attitudes on sexual behaviour into their research. For example, Hite’s work showed that 70% of women do not have orgasms through in-out, thrusting intercourse but are able to achieve orgasm easily by masturbation or other direct clitoral stimulation. Only 30% of the women in her study reported ever experiencing orgasm during thrusting intercourse.
She has criticised Masters and Johnson’s argument that enough clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm should be provided by thrusting during intercourse, and the inference that the failure of this is a sign of female “sexual dysfunction.” Whilst not denying that both Kinsey and Masters and Johnson have been a crucial step in sex research, she believes that we must understand the cultural and personal construction of sexual experience to make the research relevant to sexual behaviour outside the laboratory. She offered the criticism that limiting test subjects to “normal” women who report orgasming during coitus was basing research on the faulty assumption that having an orgasm during coitus was typical, something that her own research strongly refuted.
The Taoist approach to pleasure and “joining of the essences” has been around for centuries. Their pleasure was purposeful: Wellness and Vitality.
From Wikipedia:
Taoist sexual practices (Simplified Chinese: 房中术, Traditional Chinese: 房中術, pinyin: fángzhōngshù), literally “the bedroom arts”, are the way some Taoists practiced sex. These practices were also known as “Joining Energy” or “The Joining of the Essences.” Practitioners believed that by performing these sexual arts, one could stay in good health, and attain longevity, and eventually, with some other ‘spiritual’ or alchemical practices, attain even immortality.
According to Ge Hong, a 4th century Taoist alchemist, “those seeking ‘immortality’ must perfect the absolute essentials. These consist of treasuring the jing, circulating the qi and consuming the great medicine.”
The sexual arts concerned the first precept, treasuring the jing. This is partially because treasuring the jing involved sending it up into the brain. In order to send the jing into the brain, the male had to refrain from ejaculation during sex. According to some Taoists, if this was done, the jing would travel up the spine and nourish the brain instead of leaving the body. Ge Hong also states, however, that it is folly to believe that performing the sexual arts only can achieve immortality, and some of the ancient myths on sexual arts had been misinterpreted and exaggerated. Indeed, the sexual arts had to be practiced alongside alchemy to attain longevity. Ge Hong also warned it could be dangerous if practiced incorrectly.
Here are some links to Taoist Sexual Practices:
I have heard about why women did not have sex with their partner as much or, in some cases, anymore. Sometimes months or years have passed without sex or affection. Resentments, anger, and other issues may be blocking the couple from getting close again. For those situations, some help and understanding may be crucial to bring those people together in a loving way.
My own path of self-discovery during my early years of self-pleasure, and partnered pleasure, allowed me to realize my full orgasmic potential. Masturbation is very necessary for understanding our own way of experiencing orgasms. I happen to be in that 5% of women that not only achieve orgasm via simultaneous clitoral stimulation and penetration, but I am also capable of multiple orgasms. I have an orgasm every time I enjoy sex. I may not have multiple orgasms every time, but I am sure to experience at least one or two orgasms within an hour of lovemaking. But, it wasn’t always that way for me. Over time, I had learned what I liked and what made me respond. How I enjoy my clitoris touched, what excites me, and even new discoveries occur after years of enjoyment and orgasmic pleasure like spontaneous orgasms (it’s happened a few times) from barely a touch of someone’s hand or a ride on my bicycle seat. Working out my triceps in the gym by pulling down on a cable gives me a little tingle down there.
Once, receiving a Thai massage gave me a spontaneous orgasm.
The therapist was massaging into my glutes, pressing his knees into my butt and hips. It was sudden and unexpected, how my body responded. I silently gasped and felt surprised that I had a sudden orgasm. No complaints about it, but I certainly wasn’t expecting an orgasm!
It took years of teenage exploration until I figured out how to touch my clitoris in a quick circle while my boyfriend was thrusting inside of me. That was when I discovered how to orgasm with my partner. I was 19 years old when I first had this a-ha moment. Eventually I learned how to orgasm without touching myself during sex. Then it was a question of what position was best.
Everyone is different. What works for me may not work for another. Even if its similar, there is no exact formula. What works for one woman may not work for another in the exact way. This is what puzzles most men. They think it is formulaic in approach, a woman’s orgasm. There are so many different variables involved. I think I have discovered a commonality among men who know how to touch a woman (okay, some women know how to touch a woman, too, but I’m talking male to female here): sensitivity and listening. There are men that by listening to a woman’s body (and not with their ears but that helps) can read their sexual response. It’s an art, a sensitivity to her own individual wiring. They are patient and very interested in her pleasure alone. They get satisfaction from pleasing her and making her feel good. They aren’t in it to get off. These patient and sensitive men tune themselves in to every breathing pattern, every motion, sound, and swell of the woman’s response. They just get it.
There are many women that do fake orgasms. My guess would be that they don’t want their partners to feel inadequate. Perhaps they are afraid to communicate to their partner. But, sometime soon, if they want to experience pleasure and to enjoy satisfying orgasms with their partner, they need to address it. It’s complex for some women to discover their orgasmic bliss.
I had one friend admit to me that she had never masturbated. We were 21 years old at the time, and I was shocked when she told me. Never? She had never masturbated. Her bedroom at home was the main walkway for the family’s bathroom. She lacked privacy. She also found it difficult to reach orgasm with her partner. Well, of course. She had never self-pleasured herself. How could she know what she liked? I was concerned for her happiness, until I noticed her Hitachi Magic Wand vibrator plugged in next to her bed in her first apartment. I smiled knowingly when I saw the vibrator, because I knew she was catching up on lost time, and er, um… orgasms.
I find that my own orgasmic patterns have deepened and become more intense as I have entered my 40s, in fact, my capacity for sexual pleasure has increased over time. I believe it has to do with self knowledge and perhaps that thing called ‘a woman’s prime.’ My erogenous zones are everywhere, and the biggest one, my brain, is very active. I have been going through perimenopause, and taking Chinese herbs from my acupuncturist to balance my hormones and rejuvenate my sexual vitality. I suspect that it was the herbs for rejuvenation of my yin essence that caused me to feel an intense desire the other night. It seemingly came out of the blue. Aphrodisiacs? What is in that tea?
I was having dinner at our favorite Japanese restaurant, when I found myself lusting over the waiter. My children were clamoring around me and my husband at our dining table, but all I could think of was the waiter, standing before me, half naked, a big hard-on pressing through his pants, his shirt unbuttoned. In my fantasy, he was taking me on the sushi counter, while the chef began to join in. (In this moment of fantasy, everyone in the restaurant disappears.) There I am, staring at the waiter, having this fantasy, when I realize that he is staring back at me in disbelief. You see, this waiter has been lusting over me quite obviously for nearly five years, and this is maybe the first time I have met his gaze in equal amounts of desire. My husband, good natured man that he is, thought it was amusing.
He reaped the benefits later that night, when I looked at him solidly and said: “I absolutely must have an orgasm right now.”
He laughed, “That’s quite a lot of pressure.”
Me: “Yes, but I know you are capable of it. No question.”
Towels placed on the bed (I finally had my period thanks to good acupuncture treatments) we made love like we did when we first met. I was really into it. My body was asking for an intensity that isn’t my usual “go slow… slower…slower” approach. No, I wanted it hard, rough, animalistic. I wanted him to pound me harder and to pull my hair, so he did with a sly smile, clutching my long hair in his hand. I squeezed my breasts and felt them bounce while he plunged deeper… pressure against my clitoris in a circle, because ah, yes… that was what I needed. I came and came in waves of orgasmic pleasure until we were both in a sweaty tangle of sighs and moans. I talked naughtily and told him sexy things I wanted to do: I wanted to watch him with another woman, and make her come like he makes me come. I wanted the waiter in my mouth while he gives me exquisite orgasms. I wanted to taste the waiter’s come, feel it all over my body; hot, delicious, sweet, salty. I was in the heat of desire and the euphoric state of orgasm. Chinese herbs, perhaps?
I said so many things that I usually keep within my mind, but I didn’t say aloud that I wanted my acupuncturist, that I wanted four men, five men, a few women, an orgy. I wanted oysters and champagne and lots of sex. I wanted to give orgasms and to have orgasms again and again. I was in a flurry of erotic fantasy, which helped me reach that magical rippling sensation within my body, something marvelous and ecstatic. I felt myself completely relaxed, letting go, allowing the wisdom of my body to do what it enjoys, and to allow my mind to roam freely through fantasies.
Multiple Orgasms are blissful experiences. I remember when I first began having them. It takes awhile during lovemaking to build up to, but eventually, reaching a heightened state of pleasure, I can experience one orgasm into another, just like waves coming to shore. A little one, another, then a big one… drifting into a little one… and men can have them too! Men are capable of orgasms without ejaculation, as well as multiple orgasms. Try reading The Multi-Orgasmic Man and also The Multi-Orgasmic Woman. Also, The Multi-Orgasmic Couple!
Orgasms. They do a body good! So go have one. Or two. Or more!
I recently tried Babeland’s Body Chocolate with my lover. It is a delicious body chocolate made of sugar, organic cocoa powder, safflower oil, organic coconut oil, organic cocoa butter, and vanilla.
Being an amateur gourmet, I have some experience in tasting other chocolate spreads, from the luxurious Noisella, a Belgian chocolate and hazelnut spread (by Le Pain Quotidien, the Belgian gourmet café chain) to the infamous Nutella. I love to spread chocolate on bananas, as it’s a sensual experience. Although eating it off a banana is cliche, it sure tastes good. The two flavors together are just delicious. Then I discovered Noisella while dining at Le Pain Quotidien. So, with these flavor references, I can properly explain that Babeland’s Body Chocolate leans closer to the latter, more elegant chocolate spread.
You are probably curious as to why one would order body chocolate spread from a sex toy purveyor when a chocolate spread could be found in some local gourmet shop? Why not go grocery shopping for your own 9 1/2 Weeks sexy food scenario? And so I will explain the positives of trying this Body Chocolate through Babeland: you can also shop for incredible, sex-positive, women-friendly, and even eco-friendly, sex toys while you order your absolutely delish Babeland Body Chocolate. Why not?
This particular “body chocolate” is by far superior to regular chocolate spreads, and comparable to some of the healthier kinds I’ve enjoyed (on bananas, bread and even raw flax seed crackers). But, let me tell you, it’s better on someone’s naked body.
Yes, my husband enjoyed the body chocolate on his nipples: “I didn’t think it would be so arousing,” he sighed. And… tasting it off his nether parts. And… his nipples again. I was surprised that he liked his nipples sucked, and so a discovery was made. Yes, it was yummy for me too, as I enjoyed spreading a taste on his arousal and slowly, languidly, tasting, sucking, and savoring it off of him. You might as well consider this “gourmet sex chocolate” and add it into your sex toy basket.
More reasons to lick up delicious Babeland Body Chocolate:
It contains coconut oil.
Research has proven that coconut oil has many health benefits. The health & beauty plus of coconut oil includes hair care, skin care, stress relief, maintaining cholesterol levels, weight loss, increased immunity, proper digestion and metabolism, relief from kidney problems, heart diseases, high blood pressure, to name a few.
The benefits of coconut oil can be attributed to the presence of lauric acid, capric acid and caprylic acid, and its properties such as antimicrobial, antioxidant, antifungal, antibacterial.
And… chocolate? What could be better?
Think of the pleasure you will both have (or perhaps use it for a menage a trois? A chocolate body painting party? The possibilities are plentiful). And I am sure I don’t need to give you explanations on how healthy orgasms are. Coconut oil, chocolate, and orgasms? A quintessential recipe for health and happiness.
Just the many reasons to enjoy Babeland Body Chocolate. For a midnight snack, or a sexy morning breakfast in bed.
Chocolate happens to be my religion. I grew up in a very liberal Jewish household, the kind that celebrated the holidays with a “pagan” Chanukah bush. I decided that even though Judaism was my heritage, it was really chocolate that I believed in. Chocolate could get me through. If I was having a particularly challenging day, some good chocolate would just make things better. Not as tame as my British grandmother’s ‘cup of tea’ which also had the magical ability of righting a particularly rotten mood or moment,— chocolate promised of something sensual, something luxurious, like a seductive kiss. Hershey’s kisses, in their happy little easy-to-open foils, buttery with cocoa pleasure. Mood lifting. Aphrodisiac.
If I were admitted into the hospital, when asked what my religion is, I’d say “chocolate”. If I should ever be in a life or death situation, instead of sending the hospital clergy, my wish would be for someone from the ‘religion of chocolate’ to arrive, bearing a large box of chocolate truffles at my eleventh hour. I don’t need gloomy prayers, just give me a decadent bite of chocolate truffle with hazelnut filling.
The {aphrodisiac} history of chocolate and its origins, little nibbles quickly taken from the chocolate bunny of Wikipedia:
The majority of the Mesoamerican people made chocolate beverages, including the Aztecs, who made it into a beverage known as xocolātl (/ʃo.ko.laːtɬ/), a Nahuatl word meaning “bitter water”— Xocoatl was believed to fight fatigue, a belief that is probably attributable to the theobromine content. Chocolate was also an important luxury good throughout pre-Columbian Mesoamerica, and cacao beans were often used as currency.
A BBC report indicated that melting chocolate in one’s mouth produced an increase in brain activity and heart rate that was more intense than that associated with passionate kissing, and also lasted four times as long after the activity had ended.
Babeland Body Chocolate. It does a body good.
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I’m in the mood for chocolate & love. So I am spreading Babeland’s Body Chocolate all over my lover’s body like a delicious spread of Nutella.
This Body Chocolate is actually healthier than Nutella. A little bit.
It is made of : sugar, organic cocoa powder, safflower oil, organic coconut oil, organic cocoa butter, and vanilla.
Research has proven that coconut oil has many health benefits. The health & beauty plus of coconut oil includes hair care, skin care, stress relief, maintaining cholesterol levels, weight loss, increased immunity, proper digestion and metabolism, relief from kidney problems, heart diseases, high blood pressure, to name a few.
The benefits of coconut oil can be attributed to the presence of lauric acid, capric acid and caprylic acid, and its properties such as antimicrobial, antioxidant, antifungal, antibacterial, soothing, etc.
Which is why I’m slathering it all over my lover and tasting it off.
Check out Babeland Toys for more sensual fun and sex-positive pleasure:
VISIT BABELAND TOYS
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When I first decided that I wanted to film myself for Beautiful Agony’s website, I hadn’t any idea that I would be, in the process, exposing the most delicate parts of my being. I wasn’t concerned with masturbating on camera and posting it off to the Feck Party in Australia, because I was incredibly inspired by their artistic project. However, preparing to contribute my video for Beautiful Agony, in particular, has been the most nerve fraying, anxiety producing project I have ever considered. It has required me to examine the interior of my own sexual psychology. So I decided to follow through with it.
I was very certain that I would create a video, no problem. But I was hesitating to actually do it. I made numerous excuses why filming myself while masturbating was just not going to happen, today.
My gray roots are showing, I said to myself. I have to book a hair appointment first, then I will videotape. I can’t find my tripod. I need a better camera. I just can’t find my pink rabbit pearl vibrator. The bedsheets aren’t what I want in the background. I need nicer bed sheets. I have to film in the daytime. The lighting will be bad at night. I need better lighting. It’s too late now; I’ll do it tomorrow. Somehow, filming my orgasm on camera involved shopping for new bed sheets, a new camera, and getting my hair colored and styled at the salon. It was superficial and absurd to worry about those things, when I knew that it was about something else. It was about revealing the essence of my sexuality.
So many reasons why I could not masturbate and orgasm on camera overwhelmed my inner dialogue, running in a loop through my mind. Like a beginner in meditation, the many thoughts were distracting. I had carried my mini flip camera and my vibrator in my handbag for weeks. The video camera and vibrator went everywhere I went, never touched, considered, or used. I discovered, through all my excuse making, that I was still a shy introvert, and filming my face during the most intimate moment of arousal and orgasm was a brave act that exposed me completely.
A new tripod telescoped above me. All lights in the room turned on. Wearing my fuchsia silk kimono and nothing else, I positioned my head on the pillows just underneath the camera’s view. When the camera was on, I felt a sudden shyness. Afraid to breathe almost, I began touching myself. My husband was kneeling next to the tripod, naked, caressing my thighs. I wanted the weight of his body upon me, to feel him penetrate me, press his weight upon my clitoris. But, with the camera rolling and the precarious tripod between us, it felt like an awkward attempt to capture an elusive moment: the orgasm.
So many thoughts ran through my mind during our first video, and none of them were sexual. Preoccupied with the lens on me, I wanted to hide. I wanted to throw the tripod aside and clasp my husband’s warm body to mine. He was loving and tender during the filming process, as he tried to please me while we created the videotaping. He went down on me first, and touched my clitoris delicately, sliding his fingers inside my warm, wet vagina, watching my face. I felt transparent, silly, and awkward, like the tall girl wearing glasses, back in elementary school all over again.
Perhaps that was the source of my shyness: when I first started masturbating. I was in elementary school. By doing this for the camera, I discovered, I was peeling away all the experiences, and coming back to the root of my sexuality.
I was in fifth grade when I found that I had an opening in between my vaginal lips. I knew intellectually that it was there, but had never explored it with my hands. I possessed a strong concept of anatomy, with art books swelling up the majority of my bookcase. Physicians’ Desk References also took up a large part of our bookcase in my home, as well as in my grandparents’ home. The red, hard-bound books as thick as large bricks were stacked one against another in our living room bookshelf. My mother was a nurse and my grandfather was a doctor. We also had The Joy of Sex on the same bookshelf; a veritable illustrated guidebook for a young girl. I knew how babies were made, and where men put their penises, but despite such knowledge, I was still an innocent child. Putting my fingers to my vagina was something I naturally felt compelled to do, privately. I waited until my bedtime, or I disappeared into the bathroom and lay down on the soft fluff of the bathmat. I turned my walk-in closet into a secret hiding place to touch myself, quickly, before anyone discovered me. I was fortunate that my family was liberal about things, and there wasn’t any worry about such a ‘discovery’. But, innately, I felt that it was a private experience.
The human body, in our family, was a natural and beautiful thing. We were very open, and nothing was made an issue. I had two flamboyantly creative and beautiful aunts, and each had a myriad of boyfriends. Monogamy was not implied nor was it expected during my upbringing. Sexual freedom, and women’s liberation was prevalent in my house full of opera singers, flower children, and musicians. No brassieres, no deodorants; it was the 1970’s. My two aunts were earthy hippies, wearing their gossamer Indian skirts and filmy peasant tops. Disco parties were a regular occasion created by my mother. During the summer, running through the sprinklers in our backyard, completely nude, was a routine pleasure on weekends. The warmth of the California sunlight, cool water arcing in rainbows, the sprinklers misting my skin, my wet bare feet upon the grass, the scent of jasmine, eucalyptus trees, the sound of lawnmowers; all evoked summertime, my nude body exposed majestically to the sunlight.
Still, I hadn’t kissed a boy. I was about twelve years old. The tallest girl in school. Skinny and long-limbed, I wore glasses that hid my face, and I was extremely shy. I wore purple, mostly, and knee-high socks in many colors and dazzled with glittery threads. Just above those crazy socks, my knees were covered with band-aids from roller-skating and bicycle falls. I wore gobs of Bonne Bell lip gloss in Piece O’Cake or Dr. Pepper flavor. Crushes were happening with everyone in my sixth grade classroom. The two crushes I had on other boys were unrequited. The boys I liked were the ones that teased me for it. The boy who liked me was as awkward and as shy as I was. He also wore thick glasses and had buckteeth. He was Filipino, and some other mix of Asian. I tried to think of kissing him when I touched myself, but no images came into my brain. I wanted to feel desire. Then summer camp came along. We moved on to different schools. I wanted to remember the way he looked at me, to remember his gaze. I thought there was something in the way he longed for me that was worth my attention.
Instinctively, I felt aroused when lying in the sun, wearing a wet swimsuit. The sun and the ocean, the frothy, enveloping waves, swimming into them, diving, the sensory delight of water and summer heat, all memories of my eleven turning twelve year old body. But it wasn’t until I was thirteen did I learn about kissing and the reactions it causes in boys. It was more subtle, the discovery of my own arousal, and the wetness, that slippery feeling and the ache of pleasure.
The first time I had sex I was fourteen years old. By then, I had learned how to make myself orgasm, but, as I remember it, it wasn’t the kind of orgasm I have now. It was like a miniature orgasm, a prelude to womanhood kind of orgasm. It was soft and fluttery, and without depth. My pubescent orgasms were like meringue; light, and barely a taste upon the tongue of pleasure.
It was summertime when I lost my virginity. June. There was a camellia bush outside of my bedroom window. The heat of the California night, the fragrance of jasmine; sensory memories of my first sexual experience rush back into my mind. The older boy, seventeen years old, fumbling to put on his Trojan condom, all for his pleasure, his orgasm. My own pleasure that evening was the acceptance of myself as a woman. I found that my first sexual experience was liberating.
And so, as a woman, I began my sexual journey. It took some time before I figured out how to orgasm with a partner. I could definitely orgasm by masturbating, that I knew. Finally, when I was about nineteen, I cracked the code of having an orgasm during sex. I had to touch myself while my boyfriend was inside of me, rub my clitoris in little circles until the combination of my clitoral stimulation and his penetration made the most delightful waves of orgasmic pleasure happen. It was then that I discovered what it was all about. This was a true orgasm.
Not until my mid-twenties did I experience multiple orgasms without having to touch myself during sex. I found that if my lover pressed his pelvic bone against me, that the pressure was perfect combined with the rhythms of penetration. I hadn’t figured out how to come while on top of a man, nor did I get much out of the other positions, unless, of course, I was touching myself, but sometimes it took too much effort. A vibrator helped in those cases, and anal sex definitely made me respond, almost to the point of extreme, sudden orgasm. Anal sex was orgasm in zero to ninety seconds flat. It was a good precursor to regular vaginal sex then orgasm. After a few minutes of anal sex (he washed himself off clean, of course), then back to good, old-fashioned, slow motion, vaginal penetration while touching myself was, for me, the ultimate in orgasmic recipes.
Masturbation was still good, although, sex was better. Into my thirties I found myself enjoying richer, more layered orgasms, one after another, wave after wave. How to explain the deepening of one’s sexual response? It just happens, as the body becomes accustomed to pleasure, I suppose. Knowing one’s body after all the years of self pleasuring, knowing your responses, knowing what really makes you feel good. Now, in my forties, I am pleased to find that it gets even better.
On camera, I am searching for the pure source of my sexual freedom, the source of my letting go. While practicing the art of orgasm on film, I am exploring, peeling away the layers of external self, and revealing my real self, letting all else fall away. Self- pleasuring is a practice of meditation, and achieving orgasm is a source of enlightenment. When attaining enlightenment, we are truly in the moment of letting go. Orgasm must be a way, not a religion, then. In fact, Taoist sexual practices describe that sex and sexual energy are parallel to acupuncture, tai chi, qi gong, and meditation, all practices of harnessing and recycling our life energy or “chi”.
Taoists believe that the practice of feeling our orgasm and channeling that energy is calming to the mind and opening the potential of the human spirit. When we are feeling our chi during orgasm, we are practicing a Taoist internal art. There are many other aspects to the Taoist practice of channeling sexual energy and being mindful of our chi. I don’t mean to speak casually about it, nor do I intend to give any expert advice by explaining this. As a completely natural thing, sexual energy, our life force, “chi” is the ‘water of life’ as the ancients called it. My acupuncturist explained that chi is much like a water current. When receiving acupuncture, I felt my energy flowing through meridians, and understood what he meant. Our sexual energy, then, is charged with emotions, and the quality of that energy is what we are talking about. It is about balance and harmony.
Sexually, women (according to the Tao) are encouraged to orgasm as often as they desire. Women are energized by orgasms, their bodies are nourished by the flow of chi, and so it is healthy for women to enjoy their life essence. By taking in the male energy, the female is rejuvenated. There are many books and teachings on this practice.
Capturing a moment of bliss on film, I hope to discover my self on deeper levels, and express the humanness of letting go, surrendering to the magic of life. Just by filming my face when enjoying pleasure and orgasm, it takes the courage to expose oneself to the world, in the very moment of letting go. I hope that the art of my orgasm inspires.
My Beautiful Agony video will be on its way to Australia, where the Feck Party will upload it to their website, as one of the many liberated orgasms on display.
visit beautifulagony.com
